Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life
It was 5 am on a Saturday of December 1998 when I woke up from a terrible dream, walked down the stairs and flopped myself on the living room’s sofa. I can hear the clinking of glasses and dishes and the blast of the radio coming from outside the “dirty” kitchen. As usual, my mom was up early to start on the day’s house chores. I stare at the blank white wall behind the television and let the Sunday tunes from mom’s radio drift in and out my ears.
So I lived my life in a dream world for the rest of my days Just you and me walking hand in hand in a wishful memory Oh I guess that’s all that it will ever be.
How ironic that that particular song is about meeting someone who you’ve fallen in love with while being in a relationship with someone else, when at that moment I was left behind, alone. My mom appeared in the living room and saw me. She was saying something but I couldn’t hear her words, I was busy humming in my mind England Dan and John Ford Coley’s music. My mom looked to have given up trying to talk to me when she sat by the edge of the sofa and stroke my hair gently, as if I was this precious kid needing some good ol’ mother’s comfort. I smiled… well, tried to put up the corners of my mouth, to let her know I’m okay. I get up and go back up my room.
Sitting by my study table, I took hold of my cutter and poised it over my left wrist. My heart started to beat faster and my eyes were watery. Everything seemed to be on slow motion but at the same time, every thought in my head raced. That terrible dream had escaped my subconscious and was presenting itself on motion picturesque. Blood started to trickle a bit from a fresh wound. It felt good. It felt right. I actually smiled. Somehow the motion picture got blurry from time to time.
I heard birds chirping by my window. For some reason, I felt guilty. I crept on to my bed and quietly lifted the curtain, hoping to catch a glimpse of those chirping birds. There they were, 3 small birds on my window sill. Chirp, chirp, chirp, they went. Shifting my eyes to beyond my window, I see the sun slowly coming up. I grinned. It was a beautiful sight to see along with beautiful sounds. I opened my curtains wider, the chirping birds flew away and I stared at the sunrise. Gorgeous, truly gorgeous!
After around 5 minutes of being amazed at the yellowish-orangey landscape, I heard my mom call out for me. Guess it’s time to prepare for breakfast. I run down the stairs, heard Christmas carols on mom’s radio and smiled again. I took a quick trip to the bathroom to wash my fresh wound and put a band aid on it. And the terrible dream? I washed it out of my mind and stitched that breaking part of my heart.
It was a start of a new day in my life and I wasn’t ending it anytime soon. 🙂